The Trials and Tribulations of Excelcion, Lord of the Mole People

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 06:06:51 GMT

I really wish I could just be happy for myself and everything that I have, instead of harping on what I don't have. I just always thought that things would get better... in this one non-existent aspect of my life. I dream about it. I agonize over it. I always have and nothing ever changes. But, what has me so down at the moment is that I thought it was changing FINALLY... but I was wrong. It remains the same as ever and that has knocked out the little remaining confidence and self esteem I had left inside. I feel like I've been hit repeatedly in the stomach with a baseball bat and now all I can do is listen to showtunes and write on my LJ. How very high school... but, how very therapeutic.
I find that it's beyond the point where I can even cry now. I've been trying to get one. I've watched Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Love Actually but no tears. So, that's it. The well is drying up and crusting over into cynicisim and doubt. I can only hope that I'll find peace with that part of my life before 30. After that... well, crazy cat lady is inevitable.
*sigh*

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 02:38:06 GMT

So, once again I am in desperate need to pour the contents of my brain out on LJ. Partially because I feel like whining... which isn't out of the ordinary, but mostly because I'm incredibly happy and excited, and I don't know what to do with these feelings!

So, first things first: I am studying off campus this semester in Chicago! All I have to say is God Bless ACM! I am so incredibly happy here! I've met the most amazing people, and these amazing people seem to think that I am amazing, too!
The people are awesome, but what's awesomer is my bad ass studio apartment on the Gold Coast. I'm on the 14th floor in the canterbury court apartment building on State Street, with a sane (albeit naive and country) room mate.
I'm interning at Fox Chicago in the morning on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, from 5am-12pm. It's a rough morning.
I'm finally 21, so all the bars and clubs are open to me... as long as they don't have a cover charge... cuz I am po'!

I've been having moments that don't happen in real life! Like yesterday, I went to a mexican restaurant in logan square, and somewhere between the reggaeton and the margarita's we all started dancing (mind your this is a little mom and pop restaurant on the corner)
It was MANDATORY that I attend a free Andrew Bird concert in millenium park, for a class! Everything here rocks!

Now, I must whine. Waaaaaaaah! I'm a spoiled brat and I don't have any money to get drinks at the bar when I go out!
Waaaaaaaah! I like a guy and I have no clue what to do! Waaaah!

That is all!

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 06:19:48 GMT

blah blah thoughts blah blah blah

as if anything that i write could adequately describe how i feel without making me sound like a whining over-priviledged bitch.

there's a lot that i want to say, there's a lot i wish i could say. but no one would understand.

so, i'll keep it bottled inside where it belongs and let it eat away at me until i don't feel it anymore. i think that's what everyone in my family does... so, i'll just follow suit.

blah blah thoughts blah blah blah

...and i decided not to use the shift key at all. maybe that will make me more popular.

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 02:07:17 GMT

I remember being around smart people.... I took it for granted.
I miss smart people.... I guess I reached my smart people quota at Neuqua... and that is REALLY saying something.

Oh well.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 05:29:15 GMT

I haven't written anything in forever, and since I don't want to go back outside in the bitter cold, I will sit in the library and spill my guts.

I have landed the part of Penny Pennywise in Urinetown. Yay me! I get to sing an entire song by myself and sing solos in others and have lines! I get to hit a High C in one song and a Low A in another... fun! In a terrifying way. Actually I feel like I cheated the system because my voice teacher is the musical director... finally the system works in my favor

It's Valentine's Day in, like, 40 minutes and I am single again... but I don't really care. It's not like I have a serious crush on anyone at Monmouth, so why complain?

I feel completely and utterly stuck at Monmouth! ARGH! But I'm not going to transfer, I'm trying to do the ACM Chicago Arts Program for next semester. That way, on my 21st birthday I can go clubbin' at some awesome chicago hot spot.... oh, and learn stuff....

Don't really have anything else to say... I hope everyone's well! ♥

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 08:58:11 GMT

I always said it, but I never really believed it... only because I've never actually witnessed it for myself. But guys my age are really into dumb girls. the dumber and thinner the better.
A girl that a guy could actually hold a conversation with is put on the back burner for some 80 pound idiot who "drunkenly" dry humps you, giggles when nothing is funny, and frequently says "I don't get it" about everything except for "The Hills"

That is the reason for my lack of friends and my lack of a love life. Girls like that. Why do I have to have a brain. Why do I have to have a conscience.

Does that make me off putting? Because I think for myself and don't order something off of a menu because someone else I like is ordering it.

SERIOUSLY! I don't understand it and it's making me really upset. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. But, I'm not willing to compromise myself either. It took me 20 years for me to get comfortable with Brittany and I'm not going to let anyone take that peace of mind away from me... well, I'm going to try not to let anyone take that away from me... who am I kidding...

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 19:32:15 GMT

It's friggin' October 2007! Holy crap! Time... where has it gone?
*sigh*

I fear the unhappy bug has laid eggs in my chest again... and what's worse, they're beginning to hatch! Ugh! I just don't know what to do. I feel completely uncomfortable talking about this because... I don't know, it's a bit of an uncomfortable subject... And bottling it inside is doing nothing for my nerves or productivity... So here goes:

I don't know how to dress, do my hair or make up, I'm fat and I must be miserably ugly... although when I'm alone in my room looking at myself in the mirror I honestly don't see it.
I think I'm pretty. I like my clothes--- I hate my hair, but I always have.

So is there something wrong with me? I didn't think there was before I left home, but now it seems that there is.

Whenever I go hanging out or I'm at a party nobody ever approaches me...

GOD, I feel like such a little bitch whining about this... *sigh* maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe there's something wrong with everyone else... but maybe not... *big heavy sigh*

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 05:29:08 GMT

So once again I'm back to bloody square one!

Acting or Media? Employment vs. Unemployment?

DAMMIT! WHY WONT IT LEAVE ME ALONE!
Just when I I thought I was out it pulls me right back in!

I don't want to live in a damned cardbord box! I like money!
Buuuuut I love to act.

I'm twenty years old and suddenly feel as though I'm 16 again. *rolls eyes*

Well I suppose there's nothing wrong with having a dream... and living vicariously through those who are too chicken shit to pursue acting...
Yes- yes- I choose that one!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 06:40:17 GMT

So, tis another birthday. 2 decades of living. Mmkay... life... anyday you want to kick and start being fun, would be greatly appreciated.

I keep thinking things are going to fix my situation... Like, oh I can't wait to go away to college because this and this and this will happen... grant it I haven't been away for an entire week yet but still, I think things will magically solve my life. Like I'll wake up one day and not be a fat loser.

I'm just so frusterated at myself. I feel like I've been living my life in this never ending fantasy of quick solutions. I feel so friggin' uncomfortable with who I am that I can't go up to people and talk to them because I'm so afraid of what they'll think of me.

I have to let that go. Like, now! I have to somehow summon some confidence from somewhere inside me. I know it's there somewhere.

So my birthday resolutions: Let it go! If I don't like something, change it! If I can't change it, accept it, move on with my life.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 21:34:17 GMT

19 More days til I go away to college!
25 More days til I turn 20!
WOOOOOOOOOOOT!

As of Monday I broke my 30GB amazingly wonderful lovely fantabulous iPod. So as a temporary replacement, I purchased a skanky hot pink nano on ebay. It seduced me because it matches my phone... a hot pink razr skank skank. I'm selling my broken iPod on ebay as well... because freaks on ebay buy broken things.

Speaking of skanks and freaks, my sister bought tickets to go see Beyonce on the 18th. It's my going away present. I certainly hope she fall on stage during my show... it would make me quite happy.

That is all.

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 21:28:44 GMT

Argh! The mild (but still completely cheerful) frustration! I thought that this summer was going to rock... but alas it looks like it'll be the same as last summer.
I am still working full time in an office (blah) and everyone else is working too which means I'll still never see anybody... and THAT SUCKS!!!

But on the ridiculously happy PLUS side: This saturday I'm going down to Monmouth for orientation and to register for classes. That's right, I'm finally going away to school! WOOT! *happy dance* WOOT!
I'm only a tad bit nervous, because A: I'm a transfer student and will be older than everyone else at orientation, and B: I'm always awkward around new people... but I'll manage.

And, for the first time in four years I did not watch the Tony's! Wow! What's happened to me? I sat and re-read The Other Boleyn Girl all sunday (I've been watching The Tudors and wanted more hot Tudor England action!)

That is all

2 in a week, I KNOW!

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 00:26:17 GMT

Okay, so today in my voice lesson my voice teacher very inadvertantly re-affirmed what Mr. Kellner said to me from senior year. (Yes, It's pathetic, I'm still carrying that around) That I'm really smart but I do dumb stuff when I sing. She said I don't think when I sing. I didn't know singing required so much though before last semester. And I took private lessons. That lady taught me nothing! Every bit of intuition that I use is wrong. They way I sing is whimpy, she says. She says there's more there... but I've never heard it, so...?

I have a pop singers voice, with musical theatre/opera aspirations... I am fucked to the billionth degree!

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 01:17:01 GMT

Ya know, everyday decisions like what shoes to wear and which rubberband to tie my hair back with, I'm good at. But those other decisions that take actual though and effort, the ones that can actually change your life. I am terrible at those. I don't know when or if people ever get good at those decisions. But I've just relized that I stink at those, and I relized that I seriously need to ignore my gut instint, because it usually makes me miserable.

BLAH!

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 23:44:29 GMT

Hello!

I am in a perpetual state of "boredness" it blows. I have a job... but I so rarely get hours... and I hate working and talking to people, so I am entirly fucked. And not in the good way.

My professors always talk about how students at two year colleges have lives outside of school. I'm all like "No I don't" except I don't say it out loud. So, Jess Huffman, I totally understand where you're coming from.

Sometimes I find my self caring... most times I find myself not caring about not having a social life. But it does suck to be bored.

AND I am currently regretting my decision not to go to the National speech tournament in houston... but I knew I would. I always know as soon as I make a choice that I will regret the decision a few weeks later... so I really think I should refrain from having children, or buying a house, or signing any kind of contract that lasts more that a week. :) I think I will go play a game, or God forbid work on 1 of the 3 papers that are due within the next two weeks. BLAH!

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 16:16:18 GMT

Hello livejournal my old friend... how ya been?

Life is just as dull as ever, but I'm slightly happier about the dullness because it results in my getting a 4.0 and getting accepted to Monmouth. However, monmouth still wants me to send my high schoo transcripts, and I fear that they will say "hahaha, just kidding." when they see that my high school GPA was like half of my current one.

I have come to the firm decision that I am quitting Prairie States speech team today, though I've experienced nothing but success and they want me to go to Nationals... sounds crazy, I know but I DON'T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE.

I'll chalk this up to me becoming a bit more mature, but as of late I could honestly careless about what other people think of me. The fact that this wednesday will be valentine's day and I have no boyfriend doesn't bother me. I'm more worried about my Psych exam and writing a good paper and stuff. So yay me and maturity and soon to be going to a four year institution.

I hope everyone is doing well. Much love!

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 04:30:49 GMT

Hello LJ... I have been neglecting you like a red headed step child.... so sorry.

In other news: I am returning to the Naperthrill/Boringbrook area tomorrow afternoon. It will be sexiness.

Suddenly I can't stop thinking about how much has changed, how much I've changed, and I didn't think it would be possible, yet lo and behold change occured. WOW.

I'm in school and actually getting good grades, I'm on speech and actually winning and my coach has already selected me to go to Nationals... wow. Free trip to Houston!

Things aren't great, but on the enourmous major plus side I am not depressed and haven't been for a while and that is a brilliant fucking thing!

However, I am so (and I stress SO) ready to move on to the 4 year university thing. My stint as a working girl and going to community college hasn't stopped my desire to do music or act, so I think that it's really in the cards for me if I work really hard. But if it isn't then I could totally do the communications thing and work for corporate America. I don't fear it as a fate worse than death like I use to.

I am becoming slightly more mature... weird... but good.

*much love to all*

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 17:54:29 GMT

My poor Michael Richards... he really fucked up.

Now he and Mel Gibson are in the same pot of stew.

Poor Crazy motherfuckers...

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 03:42:13 GMT

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
The South
The Inland North
Boston
North Central
The Northeast
Philadelphia
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

Now that was unexpected. I don't even like Southern Illinois. It might as well be Mississippi or some crappy southern place like that.

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 22:07:09 GMT

I know I kinda said this on my xanga but still!

I'm driving myself insane! I can't take it! She's so pretty and talented and likeable! I hate the fact that I have to stand up next to and be compared alongside her! Why does she have to be so sweet? Why does she have to be so likeable!!! DAMMIT! I'm so frusterated.

I have to let it go!

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 16:55:31 GMT

Okay, for any of you guys that remember DDA in speech at Neuqua, you'll never guess what my duo is....

I'll give you a hint: It's the most overdone duo ever!

Misreadings! Dear God WHY?!

But Luckily my coach said it's just for the first couple of tournaments, til he finds something better.

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 17:46:04 GMT

You know the world is going to hell when there's a shooting in an AMISH SCHOOL!

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 04:13:26 GMT

I am not fine. Not remotely so. I have so many issues it's riddiculous.
I fear that I'll never be a whole person. I never thought so, but I realized tonight that what happened between my mother and father like a trillion years ago has affected me. I am so... distant, so scared, so insecure... over an issue that happened a trillion years ago.

My daddy was taken from me at three years old! I was raised by a multitude of strong women. I'm happy about that, but you know what I found myself saying today about my father. I told myself he doesn't love me... why would I say that to myself? He's was gone for sooo many years, now he's back and letting me live with him and I say to myself he doesn't love me, I'm just a fuck up. I have absolutely no self worth... so I just stuff my fucking face on whatever I get my hands on to make me feel better. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I have all this hope that something will get better, that good things will happen, but it's never enough. It's never enough for me! I will never be completely happy. The expectations I have will never be met because they are completely unrealistic. I can't change the my mom or my dad or my sister. I can't change the lack of affection I get with good grades or shiney medals. I can't get people to like me by wearing cuter or more revealing clothes, straightening my hair or piling on the make-up.

So I've come to this not so shocking, cliche conclusion that life really is a bitch.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 16:56:23 GMT

Okaaay,

Dear Mr. Pope sir...

WHAT THE HELL MAN? Are you trying to get every Christian in the known universe exploded? Like WTF?!

Since when is an enitre religion evil? Have you ever lined up Islam with Christianity--- pretty fucking similar! If you are maybe refering to a radical terrorist group that just happens to practice the Islamic faith... you could say the terrorists are evil... Not millions upon millions of people that practice that religion you douche bag!!!!

Has a pope ever been impeached? Can you impeach a pope, if the pope is a Nazi?

...Why couldn't have my negative aspects of religion paper this week, 'cause I'd have plenty to say.... and I wouldn't have gotten an 8 outta 10! Like WTF is that! Mean while I wrote the biggest piece of crap about hinduism and I got the full 20 points! WTF Professor Van Cleef?

But I digress...

WTF POPE? W...T...F.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 14:17:26 GMT

Virgo:
Does an approaching date or event have you nervous? There's no need to worry about your performance -- you're clearly entering rock-star territory, and folks are eager to see what you have to offer. They're more supportive than critical, though -- so expect a huge round of applause. Your performance won't disappoint, and the buzz will start. To keep the pressure from getting to you, grab some time by yourself today to conserve your energy and build your stamina.

Woot! I'm a rockstar! I always suspected.

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 20:28:22 GMT

So, had the 2nd speech meeting today where we talked about the events and how they differ from high school speech events... All I have to say is FUCK YOU NEUQUA SPEECH TEAM! (Not the current team, but the old regime I was once a part of) Fuck you for not spending anytime on me!

These people want me to be double entered! (Di and Verse) Yes, ME! So take that! *sticks tongue out*

That's really all I got for today.... Been holding that grude for faaaar too long.

*love*