I really wish I could just be happy for myself and everything that I have, instead of harping on what I don't have. I just always thought that things would get better... in this one non-existent aspect of my life. I dream about it. I agonize over it. I always have and nothing ever changes. But, what has me so down at the moment is that I thought it was changing FINALLY... but I was wrong. It remains the same as ever and that has knocked out the little remaining confidence and self esteem I had left inside. I feel like I've been hit repeatedly in the stomach with a baseball bat and now all I can do is listen to showtunes and write on my LJ. How very high school... but, how very therapeutic.
I find that it's beyond the point where I can even cry now. I've been trying to get one. I've watched Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Love Actually but no tears. So, that's it. The well is drying up and crusting over into cynicisim and doubt. I can only hope that I'll find peace with that part of my life before 30. After that... well, crazy cat lady is inevitable.
*sigh*

So, once again I am in desperate need to pour the contents of my brain out on LJ. Partially because I feel like whining... which isn't out of the ordinary, but mostly because I'm incredibly happy and excited, and I don't know what to do with these feelings!

So, first things first: I am studying off campus this semester in Chicago! All I have to say is God Bless ACM! I am so incredibly happy here! I've met the most amazing people, and these amazing people seem to think that I am amazing, too!
The people are awesome, but what's awesomer is my bad ass studio apartment on the Gold Coast. I'm on the 14th floor in the canterbury court apartment building on State Street, with a sane (albeit naive and country) room mate.
I'm interning at Fox Chicago in the morning on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, from 5am-12pm. It's a rough morning.
I'm finally 21, so all the bars and clubs are open to me... as long as they don't have a cover charge... cuz I am po'!

I've been having moments that don't happen in real life! Like yesterday, I went to a mexican restaurant in logan square, and somewhere between the reggaeton and the margarita's we all started dancing (mind your this is a little mom and pop restaurant on the corner)
It was MANDATORY that I attend a free Andrew Bird concert in millenium park, for a class! Everything here rocks!

Now, I must whine. Waaaaaaaah! I'm a spoiled brat and I don't have any money to get drinks at the bar when I go out!
Waaaaaaaah! I like a guy and I have no clue what to do! Waaaah!

That is all!

blah blah thoughts blah blah blah

as if anything that i write could adequately describe how i feel without making me sound like a whining over-priviledged bitch.

there's a lot that i want to say, there's a lot i wish i could say. but no one would understand.

so, i'll keep it bottled inside where it belongs and let it eat away at me until i don't feel it anymore. i think that's what everyone in my family does... so, i'll just follow suit.

blah blah thoughts blah blah blah

...and i decided not to use the shift key at all. maybe that will make me more popular.

I remember being around smart people.... I took it for granted.
I miss smart people.... I guess I reached my smart people quota at Neuqua... and that is REALLY saying something.

Oh well.

I haven't written anything in forever, and since I don't want to go back outside in the bitter cold, I will sit in the library and spill my guts.

I have landed the part of Penny Pennywise in Urinetown. Yay me! I get to sing an entire song by myself and sing solos in others and have lines! I get to hit a High C in one song and a Low A in another... fun! In a terrifying way. Actually I feel like I cheated the system because my voice teacher is the musical director... finally the system works in my favor

It's Valentine's Day in, like, 40 minutes and I am single again... but I don't really care. It's not like I have a serious crush on anyone at Monmouth, so why complain?

I feel completely and utterly stuck at Monmouth! ARGH! But I'm not going to transfer, I'm trying to do the ACM Chicago Arts Program for next semester. That way, on my 21st birthday I can go clubbin' at some awesome chicago hot spot.... oh, and learn stuff....

Don't really have anything else to say... I hope everyone's well! ♥

I always said it, but I never really believed it... only because I've never actually witnessed it for myself. But guys my age are really into dumb girls. the dumber and thinner the better.
A girl that a guy could actually hold a conversation with is put on the back burner for some 80 pound idiot who "drunkenly" dry humps you, giggles when nothing is funny, and frequently says "I don't get it" about everything except for "The Hills"

That is the reason for my lack of friends and my lack of a love life. Girls like that. Why do I have to have a brain. Why do I have to have a conscience.

Does that make me off putting? Because I think for myself and don't order something off of a menu because someone else I like is ordering it.

SERIOUSLY! I don't understand it and it's making me really upset. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. But, I'm not willing to compromise myself either. It took me 20 years for me to get comfortable with Brittany and I'm not going to let anyone take that peace of mind away from me... well, I'm going to try not to let anyone take that away from me... who am I kidding...

It's friggin' October 2007! Holy crap! Time... where has it gone?
*sigh*

I fear the unhappy bug has laid eggs in my chest again... and what's worse, they're beginning to hatch! Ugh! I just don't know what to do. I feel completely uncomfortable talking about this because... I don't know, it's a bit of an uncomfortable subject... And bottling it inside is doing nothing for my nerves or productivity... So here goes:

I don't know how to dress, do my hair or make up, I'm fat and I must be miserably ugly... although when I'm alone in my room looking at myself in the mirror I honestly don't see it.
I think I'm pretty. I like my clothes--- I hate my hair, but I always have.

So is there something wrong with me? I didn't think there was before I left home, but now it seems that there is.

Whenever I go hanging out or I'm at a party nobody ever approaches me...

GOD, I feel like such a little bitch whining about this... *sigh* maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe there's something wrong with everyone else... but maybe not... *big heavy sigh*

So once again I'm back to bloody square one!

Acting or Media? Employment vs. Unemployment?

DAMMIT! WHY WONT IT LEAVE ME ALONE!
Just when I I thought I was out it pulls me right back in!

I don't want to live in a damned cardbord box! I like money!
Buuuuut I love to act.

I'm twenty years old and suddenly feel as though I'm 16 again. *rolls eyes*

Well I suppose there's nothing wrong with having a dream... and living vicariously through those who are too chicken shit to pursue acting...
Yes- yes- I choose that one!

So, tis another birthday. 2 decades of living. Mmkay... life... anyday you want to kick and start being fun, would be greatly appreciated.

I keep thinking things are going to fix my situation... Like, oh I can't wait to go away to college because this and this and this will happen... grant it I haven't been away for an entire week yet but still, I think things will magically solve my life. Like I'll wake up one day and not be a fat loser.

I'm just so frusterated at myself. I feel like I've been living my life in this never ending fantasy of quick solutions. I feel so friggin' uncomfortable with who I am that I can't go up to people and talk to them because I'm so afraid of what they'll think of me.

I have to let that go. Like, now! I have to somehow summon some confidence from somewhere inside me. I know it's there somewhere.

So my birthday resolutions: Let it go! If I don't like something, change it! If I can't change it, accept it, move on with my life.

19 More days til I go away to college!
25 More days til I turn 20!
WOOOOOOOOOOOT!

As of Monday I broke my 30GB amazingly wonderful lovely fantabulous iPod. So as a temporary replacement, I purchased a skanky hot pink nano on ebay. It seduced me because it matches my phone... a hot pink razr skank skank. I'm selling my broken iPod on ebay as well... because freaks on ebay buy broken things.

Speaking of skanks and freaks, my sister bought tickets to go see Beyonce on the 18th. It's my going away present. I certainly hope she fall on stage during my show... it would make me quite happy.

That is all.